89- Sinfully Yours: A Moment of Self-Reflection

I have committed a grave offense.

I have forgotten what it means to be an artist.

Say that I've become guilty of complacency, or, of thinking that has tended to remain in a box rather than anywhere out of it. This is a first for me. As people age, we tend to become satisfied with the ordinary, for fear that anything outside of squares and circles would surely lead to the death of practical arrangements. Such involve risks that most do not wish to take, and risks that people would not dare take, also, for fear of criticism from those who relish being extraordinarily ordinary.

I used to be a person who danced, sang, and frolicked with, and like, the sun. As of late, I've become someone who, while happy, has marched to the beat of someone else's drum. I feel like I've somehow lost a sense of originality, a semblance of authenticity. The once vibrant (albeit emotional, for better or worse) lad has become someone who has done things in a structured, and disciplined manner. Walking in a straight line isn't bad. Being responsible is not a problem. Losing your passion for the essence of art, is frustrating.

I used to hate being on the sidelines. I felt like I always had to "be in the mix" In many ways, I'd still rather be a "do-er" rather than a "viewer". These days, I am wise about which battles I opt to fight. Being safe is a positive, for sure, but being safe also- in an ironic twist- lessens the chances that one will be able to encounter a truly spontaneous experience on any given day. That can pose a problem to the adventurous, and a seem like a typical day in the mines, for those who pray against rain because the think that water kills on contact.

A recent encounter with the brightest of hues has made me remember that it isn't always a swell thing to hide under umbrellas, wear N95 masks at the sight of some smoke, and shriek and act like a bomb went off whenever you find a pair of trousers that used to fit, but, is now too tight for you to wear.

I "embraced" art again for a fleeting moment earlier this week. I have become reminded that while my life in years past tended to look and feel chaotic, I too had moments in my previous incarnation which pointed much towards "realness" and "truth". Those are two things which I should never compromise in full, ever again.

MC